Coronavirus

Post Vaccine Post

Gandolf
~ Guy Hall

I could write a 500-word post about how I feel now that I’ve gotten past the discomfort (I minimize) of the second shot. Suffice it to say; I feel physically better than I have for the past year. In February of 2020, I became ill. It was mild at first, but something told me to sleep. I did, for over 30 hours, getting up to go to the bathroom once.

Since that day, I have been mildly achy, tired, and stiff – every day. Sitting at a desk caused a mild backache that became excruciating if I felt even a little under the weather beyond the already discouraging discomfort. I experienced three days of exhaustion after exercising. An eight hour day of employment was exhausting. I ended up dropping the fall semester of college because I didn’t have the energy to do school work after eight hours on the job. I lost a job because of being so tired and making the poor choice of confronting my boss about their condescending and moralizing manner.

Hindsight being 20/20, I’m amazed I managed to keep my current job. I am surprised I was able to perform at my current job. And I was once again struggling to keep up with my school work.

On the emotional and mental front, I struggled with mild depression. I lost motivation. I would become angry over the actions of others, something I had overcome through meditation and exercise. However, because of my physical condition, activity became a chore. And meditation became elusive. I became moody, swinging between irritation, sadness, and hopelessness.

Now? I can tell something has changed. Not only physically but mentally as well. My stiffness and achiness have left. Instead, I feel the normal physical condition of an overweight man approaching 60. I can accept that. And I can do something about my weight. I know it will take a while until I am back to the weight before February of 2020. But with how I feel these past two days? Yeah, I can get it done.

I have already emailed my instructors, as well as resumed working on assignments. The damage to my grades is not reversible, over which I have no worries. Instead, I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and get back to business. I am contemplating taking a few days off from work and concentrate on getting caught up on my school work. I am behind on the lab portion of my introduction to biology class. I struggled with using the app required with the course. However, taking time off may not be necessary.

To recover from the impact of that last year, all I need is to apply effort. I will let the outcome figure itself out.

Okay, so I ended up coming close to 500 words. What can I say? My muse overcame me.

Second Shot

Ill
~ Guy Hall

Three weeks ago today, I received my first vaccine shot. It kicked my ass. I had a sore back – exceedingly sore – for three or four days. And I’ve been exhausted ever since – more than usual for me, anyway.

I’m going to go for my second shot today, later this afternoon, at about 3:00 PM. I suspect I’ll be experiencing more significant discomfort. All the reports I’ve heard second hand suggest that I’ll be extremely miserable within 12 hours and then slowly taper down over the next 24 to 72 hours.

I’ve already struggled with keeping up on my school work. I’m afraid this will make me even farther behind. At some point, I will have to bite the bullet and inform my instructors of my struggles. For now, though, I’ll maintain the axiom of pulling myself up by my own damn boot strings, thank-you-very-much!

And It Moves a Little Bit Closer

Ill
~ Guy Hall

Tina’s boss has come down with COVID. And since she had close interactions with him due to training on the new state-wide online DL system, I’ve chosen to stay home and get tested. It’s scheduled for 2:00 PM. It’s the rapid saliva test. So I should know the results before the end of the day.

When COVID first started its run back in February/March, we in the residential programs were told it was a matter of when, not if, we would get infected. I have considered myself lucky to have gone this long without getting sick. And, as is usually the case, now I think I have some symptoms. Mostly just a scratch in the throat. However, I also have sinus issues. So, yeah, it’s more likely to be the confluence of my sinuses and the dry, cold weather, not COVID.

Because I work in a residential setting, it’s better safe than sorry in regards to work. So, I’ll get the test, and if it’s negative, I will go to work tomorrow. If it’s positive – well, I’ll let you know.

A Mood

Gandolf
~ Guy Hall

I am faced with the knowledge of impermanence, that nothing lasts forever in the swirling energy field of eternal, infinite existence.

Yet – my soul weeps; my heart aches; my hope wanes. For humanity, darkness descends. Where is hope? Where is faith? How has humankind brought itself to this fate?

Change

Gandolf
~ Guy Hall

It never feels good. We can embrace it, yet it still feels uncomfortable. We can accept it is happening, yet we still feel vulnerable. We can hope for the best, but it will always be messy and uncontrollable. At best, we can be mindful and let go of our expectations.

Fight change and suffer. Be unhappy. Be angry. Be afraid.

Accept change and be unsure, afraid, and powerless.

Yes, whether you accept change or fight change you will be afraid.

Whatever is happening to you, are you paying attention?

Drama

Gandolf
~ Guy Hall

An old blogging friend mentioned that it appeared I had less drama in my life. That’s not true. I just don’t blog about it here. I did say on Facebook that I lost my job. Yes, that constitutes serious drama. However, it was due to my foolishness. I lost touch with my empathy. I began to put expectations on my clients, which they never can meet – even the simplest of expectations. And I became jaded.

Mostly, though, I became exhausted. In the Age of COVID-19, the separation between selfless and self-centered has become even more pronounced. Not just with my clients, but with myself. I started to put up a wall to protect myself from the anger and frustrations of my clients. They are not the nicest of people in normal times. In these extraordinary times, they have become crueler and more vicious. And though I knew their comments, their actions, and their attitudes had nothing to do with me, it still did damage.

Then, there was the fact that attempting to deal with my emotional response to these times was leaving me exhausted. I was increasing the amount of exercise needed to deal with the emotions I was experiencing towards the leadership in this country. It only added to my exhaustion instead of dealing with my stress. As a result, I exploded in anger at one of my clients.

I was unprofessional, I was insensitive, and I was judgmental as hell. And when my anger cooled, I recognized my error. And I admitted it to my superiors. I apologized not only to the individual but to the group, making no excuses and blaming no one. And yet, after I did so, I realized I didn’t feel support from my superior, who had joined me in the group. I felt left out to hang. I realized that she did nothing to stop the role reversal that occurred. I suddenly became a client while the clients became the staff. And she encouraged it. Hell, she allowed them to counsel me.

I’ve made mistakes before, I’ve had to apologize, and I’ve had my superiors in the group with me at the time. Yet, most didn’t allow the reversal of roles. They still established the role I played as staff, with my authority intact. They helped with devising the path towards restoring trust. But they never let the clients ask personal questions of me, or to give suggestions on how to take care of myself. That was for a private meeting between them and myself.

And this is where I made my second mistake. I expected my manager to be willing to listen to me. I started to explain how I felt about the group. But she wasn’t having any of it. She quickly took my fear and renamed it defensiveness. She wasn’t willing to listen to me share my experience with the group at all. Then she became condescending and moralistic. I attempted to explain my perception of how she was coming across but got that thrown right back into my face. Her exact words were, “Your perception is wrong.”

After that, she told me to go home. I didn’t argue. And an hour later I received a voice message from Human Resources to call him back. Yup, you got it. I was fired.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I would not have been angry or upset about getting fired on the day I lost my shit. I would have fired me. But two days later, when I attempted to share with my boss how she was coming across, she got angry and fired me on the spot.

Now I’m unemployed. Such is life. I’ve been fired by better people than her. Actually, I had an inkling she wasn’t the best of bosses. She had a tendency to speak over me or raise her voice to the point of yelling when addressing me in staffings. So, I probably am better off not working there.

So there. How’s that for drama?